Quote this !!!

In my first career it was always better to share a recipe than to hang on to it. There were chefs before me and after my brief time in the kitchens, galleys and commissaries of the earth there will be others. 

I rent the recipes for the decades I cook, I do not own them.

I also have no need for a thousand recipes for chocolate mousse when one perfect recipe does the job. 

So SHARE and we all get to eat good mousse !!

As a writer I believe the same. Some times my words are eloquent, sometimes funny, sometimes thought provoking so why not share the best bits. I don't really know where they come from , the words just enter my head. The quote of yesterday which entered my head as I walked the boundaries of my pool, exercising was so true that I wanted to give it to the world for it is how I felt and do feel so often. Crying frees the mind and the fingers merely tap the thoughts onto paper, “Words flow on the back of tears.”, is just so true. So may times when the heart opens and the tears release , words flow like never before.

Here then as a way to share to all future writers are some of the best quotes from the blogs so far. Just like a good recipe all I ask is that you give me the credit of being the originator of the writing,

…quote James Claire (1969- ) thank you

“As humans we tend to overdo things; over work, over eat, over achieve, over act, over react, over think and over talk.

Sometimes we need to make others and even our children for their betterment in the future, understand  that LESS IS MORE…

Sometimes if we do less….we achieve more!

If we speak less – we have less problems!

If we thought less – we’d have less stress and less paranoia !

If we decorated a plate less – we’d have food that was far more attractive !”

“You see those who joke that I’m going grey, do not realize that as a child I was a pure blonde haired cutie…I’m not going grey, I’m aging backwards and about to enter my second youth…”

“One planet, so many cultures and so many borders and I really would love to see them all, shake the hands of some one from every race and talk to someone from every country that inhabits the singular entity on which we all live..

Big task, small ask I feel.”

“Instead of running away, instead of considering my self as a nomad, a close friend actually put it all into perspective for me in a recent email

I keep saying that I’m running away …but he proposes that I’m not .

I’m coming home……..one country at a time.”

“True citizens of the planet, not of a country with borders. Our borders are the limits to which flight can take us off this rock and the limits of gravity and the atmosphere, not man made borders on its lands.

We have no need for a passport of a singular nationality, we detest being branded within the borders of any nation and we see no sense of multiple currencies.

In my country, Earth, we are all one.”

“What if… what we want is really the one thing we should never have desired at all ?

What if its all a con? Or a test ?”

“Is love a need or a want. Do we need love for survival or do we want it, only for our own self gratification, our selfishness of not wanting to live alone or do we need it for survival.”

“The two and three day weekend…. Life’s little orgasm for hard workers!”

“Our philosophy was, that in life what we “need” is not always what we “want”, and the same goes vice versa, what we “want” is not always what we “need”.”

“There was once, about 100 girlfriends ago, when I felt that I wanted to settle down and have a house for the future. I bought it, filled it with furniture and regretted it every day thereafter. For almost ten years all that furniture sat in storage. I eventually owned one of the most expensive sofas in the world thanks to that decade of wasted storage expenditure.”

“You see, there is more than “Needs” and “Wants”; there is also “Challenge”, the unstated human element .

You see , ask yourself the following questions;

Do you want to fall in love…not really !!

Do you need to fall in love…who says ..right ?

So why do we?

Partly it’s because of the challenge of it all. To see if we can in fact woo another party into our lives? To see IF we can live together? To see if we really make a couple or just two people cohabitating with each other?”

“Complacency is an easy evil to befriend. “Challenge” on the other hand, is a friend we should all seek out and find, to remind ourselves that we are infact “ALIVE”. Challenge in life heightens our senses and reminds us that we can indeed do anything that we desire.”

“A + X = Y

A equals Perfection plus X equalling flaws equate to Reality Y

whilst

A (Perfection) – X (Flaws) = Z (Fantasy)”

“One day..... you may desire to come back, when you finally feel that "bump" in your own highway of life, when the cosmos vibrates upon your soul disturbing the equilibrium of your previously placid existence.”

“All friendships have some benefits, secrets kept, things borrowed, others loaned and shoulders on which to cry.”

“You see, we are all the same!! No matter what we have, we all seem to want something else.”

“If you do not love yourself, if you are not comfortable in your own skin, if you can not look in the mirror and be proud and content, then how are you ever suppose to love another or be loved.”

“True love is to look past someone’s pitfalls and to see the beauty inside of the soul. That’s why perfect partners are often called “soul mates.”

“Stuck in the center of my own imploding universe until yesterday I was unable to see all of this.”

“I suffer now from what you might call, “Humpty Dumpty Syndrome”, no-one can ever put me back together again , after her.”

“Perhaps inside us all, we have only a certain number of words to express, once we have penned them, then we are done”.

“to have never fulfilled ones own desires of self , is to hate the self which is unfulfilled.”

“Perfection  was this angels name. But as a friend wrote today on Facebook, "if you are not on the same page, perhaps its time to shut the book."

Well the Angels book has been closed and stored on the growing library of my life.”

“You can not make people love you. You can not make people believe you and it is pointless asking some one to stay when they have doubt.”

“Me… is sitting in an apartment 26 floors above reality looking out on a vision of blurry dreams.”

“Whoever made us, decides our fates.

It’s the days in between that are up to us.”

“All that I write about, actually happens or happened to me at one time or another.

The emotions are real, the tears are salted and the grief forlorn.”

“..Just because you love someone and are injected with a passion of a thousand suns for them, just because you can not breathe when they are not with you, just because when you are with them the world feels whole, complete and at peace, unless the other person feels the same, it means nothing toward the chance of a relationship.”

“I feel love, I feel loved therefore I say I love you.”

“You who question me, have never stood in the shoes from whence I see!”

“Music is not just entertainment value, it truly transcends our souls and the music we love, (it differs to us all) can elevate our lives, calm us, transport us to happiness or nirvana or chill us out when we need it the most.”

“Good music fills our ears with joy, great music sets our souls free among the clouds.”

“I know how fast a love can be gone, life extinguished, hearts broken. In these instances love can be taken within seconds. A blink of an eye can change your universe for a eternity.”

“Some times in life, when we meet the right person, the planets align, the sun shines brighter and our hearts open up and engulf our brains.”

“Words used correctly can leave a far deeper cut than any sharp edged blade.”

“When did I start understanding, “Quantitative Easing”?

Oh my god, How old am I ?”

“A healthy imagination is the basis for a life of achievements.”

“Success can be many things to many people. For me, it is to be able to write and be read. Full Stop.”

“What you feel is really what you are.......I feel happy, I feel strong and I feel satisfied, I feel love and adore to be loved and I do not feel scared to shed a tear in happiness or loss. In essence I simply feel comfortable about who I am.”

“What I am.....WHO I AM.....Is what I feel!

My cover may look like many other books, but the content is uniquely me.”

WAIKIKI- I Love You

I have been to Hawaii, well Honolulu , more than 7 times, I’m just not sure how many more. In the 90’s I spent time here marlin fishing, vacationing and just pure relaxing. Waikiki became my preferred place of rest.

But then something happened, like “LIFE” and I moved even further around the globe making Hawaii not the easiest of destinations for me to get to.

The magic of this place has never been lost upon me though and I have for years told friends that rather than going to Thailand they should venture to this island paradise of the South Pacific…for it has nicer beaches, clearer water, more English and a better family ambience and definitely less seedier characters.

Yesterday after a delay of fifteen years I returned to Waikiki.

I have stated before that in the chronology of one’s life there are date markers. Usually stamped upon our brains by tragedy, it is those afterall that usually leave the biggest impact and are remembered anyway. You know the kind of dates…where were you as 9/11 unfolded, where were you when MJ passed , Challenger disaster , Lady Di etc etc.

My life is full of them. My mother; a literal encyclopedia of them.

But all too often good and great times are rarely as impactful and remembered. A pity really as if you struggle there are some that you can remember, few so clear .

My return to Waikiki was different. It will be remembered for ever. It was one of those events you could just feel was a memory in the making. Perfect day, perfect company, perfect food, perfect beverages and an atmosphere of fun….it helped too that we chose prime real estate and parked ourselves their from lunch through dinner.

As the photos prove, our real estate was a viewing paradise and an imbibers dream. Waikiki has never been forgotten by my mind and now it sits firmly within my heart. I shall return, for longer vacations and partake of the sun, perfect white sand and crystal clear surf , the pools and long beaches and the ambience of this little stretch of heaven.

Perhaps next time I go for lunch though I’ll remember not to drink too much Sangria in the sun, especially 7 hours of it.

PERFECT NIGHTS

The dreaded Sangria in the sun....cant wait to have more!!

Waikiki…

"I LOVE YOU"  

 

Perfection at every angle

FLYING MIDDLE CLASS !!!!

This is a missed Blog entry folks, so please forgive the bounce back in time to early September and mentions of flights to Alaska.

O.M.G.I.C    !!!!!!

Oh My God It’s Cold!!!

Today I flew from California to Alaska.

Two weeks back I flew from the Middle East where it was hot and humid.

I’ve hung out much of my time since in Los Angeles where it is warm and gorgeous.

This morning I touched down in Seattle where it was overcast and cool.

I have just ended my day arriving in Juneau, Alaska  where it is HELL ALMIGHTY FREEZING.

My father used to say of temperatures warmer than this, that the cold goes though you to the bone!! Well my bones are close to brittle today ! !!

Making the impact of the cold weather tougher was my mode of transport to this den of frozen climactic conditions.

Decades of business and first class even Private jet travel ended today.

For today I flew….Middle Class  !

What is that you ask?

Well , It’s when you’re on a plane so small that there is no designations such as first, business and cattle and the only way to describe the class that you find yourself in, on the aircraft is to take a good look at those seated on this tiny air bound cigar and summise their earning potential.

Today there were just eleven of us poor souls aboard this tiny tube with wings, and a rough guess at each person’s salary put their earning capabilities at around 120k per person before tax.

So you see. I flew Middle Class.

No Stars, no politicians, no excessively wealthy people just bumming it for the day. Just a group of eleven who make a menial, not major difference to anything in the world.

Had the plane gone down today in the Alaskan wilderness we would probably made page one of the Juneau Daily Herald, but I doubt that any of the rest of you would have been any the wiser to our fate. Our facebook pages would go un-updated, our emails unanswered and you would have thought us snobbish, but have no clue as to what had truly happened to us. The Alsakan eleven that is.

Anyway !!

Adventuring around the earth again I want to explain some of my  global travels and the  shift in priorities it has brought James Claire -new age tourist and middle age “tripulante”…

As I travel  I am noticing differences in pilots and the teams they command in regards to air safety….

Middle East to LA the pilots are so assured of your safety..They barely speak English and so their messages are brief. Flight crew mumble a few words but the majority of talking is left to smart modern digital screens which inform you via animated cartoons of how to survive an “event”.

Flying from LA to Seattle , real people show real concern about the safety demonstration, they even put on real life jackets to show you what to do, in the case of an “Emergency” and treat us all like morons by actually clipping a belt and buckle together like we are 3 years olds who have never sat in a car seat.

From Seattle to Juneau sitting in the cramped cigar tube with eleven others, the pilot, whom we can actually see, turns and gives us all a smile and a wave.

 Friendly character, his name is Roger (not that I really want to know the man who has my life in his hands, because by seeing him I can sum him up and it’s not a good thing for Roger. I suddenly wish I was back in the Middle East watching animated cartoon characters)

 Instead of a smart digital presentation or scripted announcement Roger merely yells at us.

”It’s 2 degrees in Juneau, Buckle up folks, it’s a bit windy today.”

And then I believe he mumbled a “Hail Mary” and signed the cross.

And the stewardess, where was she???

Well she was outside kicking a couple of rocks from the tires and cranking the propellers for Roger and a little too busy to be bothered with something as mundane as a safety presentation.

After all, she could see what I could tell.

There were no notables on board today, no famous stars, no elite or massively wealthy travelers on her little plane who would make headlines and nothing but trees and mountain tops that we would  barely clear.

On a day like today, what was the point with safety speeches.

Just buckle Up, sit back and pray like a crazed man.

2 degrees on arrival might not be desirable, but arrival right now, was the only thing any of us in Middle Class,  where hoping for.

29.10.2011

As an addendum to this Blog entry, which was written at the beginning of a hellish few weeks of massive amounts of travel, I have to say that I am not so scared any more about air travel. It has its pains, such as customs, immigration and security issues but within the confines of an airport there is always a Starbucks somewhere and usually somewhere warm to sleep. In just three months of my new life, these are about the most important things in my day, coffee to stay awake, or sleep at any cost.

Besides,  there is a bigger game at play these days.

It’s not so much about survival as much as it is about the accumulation of miles…..yes my friends…James Claire has the bug.,. Just like George Clooney’s character on Up In The Air, I too have found the modern world of Privilege Clubs, Frequent Flyer Mileage and Hotel Priority Membership.

IF IT DOES NOT GAIN YOU POINTS, THEN IT IS IRRELEVANT….

If only my editors paid me in mileage points by the word…mmmmh, now there’s a thought !!!

Till next time Adieu !!!

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS !!!!!

A close friend asked me recently if I believed in the concept of “friends with benefits”, apparently she thought it was a Western concept enjoyed by us all.

I suggested that she stop watching re-runs of “Sex in the City” and understand that everything on television and Hollywood movies was not in fact based upon reality.

Oh how many of us may wish!!

Yet even the best of us can see the complications and jealousy that would rear its ugly head within such a concept also. Perhaps if all emotion, heart and natural human feelings were removed from the process, it would be a possibility, but truly , I do digress, for I do not believe in such  un-realities of the human psyche.

What I want to discuss this blog is the other ideals of my own “Friends with Benefits”.

You see I have truly been blessed with some of the most amazing friendships a human being can possibly afford.

I’m not talking about the amazing people who bless my life on a daily basis, they know how deeply I appreciate their friendship, well I would hope they do !

And I’m not actually talking about the great friends  with whom I have known for in excess of millennia, and if not call or text every few weeks, months or years, I email usually more frequently. We all lead busy professional lives, no one expects immediate replies to emails or texts, but the answers, the emails and the conversations we do have , when they occur, are absolutely heart felt and real. They are the sought of people with whom a life’s journey is a blessing, people with whom you can ask the hardest questions of life; the unexplored emotions and queries that you parents never answered, and only a closest friend of decades can appreciate.

There is also the friendships that have occurred and are cyclical, and these are the ones I call my true “Friends with Benefits”. All friendships have some benefits, secrets kept, things borrowed, others loaned and shoulders on which to cry.

What I adore about the third type of friendships is their unexpectedness and perfection of timing,

Recently I made a big move. It could have been a tough time for me, but out of the blue came my friends. A co-worker from Singapore that I worked with more than 15 years ago emailed me just yesterday and stated that she had remained in the food industry all these years and was now a renowned food photographer. Her email, resolutely confirming that her ambition and some of my early training of her in the food industry, reaped benefits for the world in a fantastic manner.

Another friend, a male colleague I had not heard from in over a decade, yet a single email this week, connected us again like we had never been apart.

Today, a friend from Canada, Facebooked me to apologise for not being there always when I needed assistance, but that times had been tough for my friend as well.

“Friends with benefits”, in the Sex and the City terminology, a guaranteed emotional hell and heart break galore eventually down the track.

“Friends with benefits” in my world, the land of James Claire, where friends don’t always have to be their, they don’t always have to write, they don’t always text or email, but in your heart they are there, emotionally lifting your soul and spirit in times of true need.

With the added  “benefit”, of a fantastic surprise of connection and reminder of how wonderful your life has been to have met them, enjoyed time with them, and to have been there for each other at some time in the past, when finally you meet, call, text, email, facebook or skype each other in the future.

To all my friends, now, past and future, Thank You !!

Your love, kindness and friendship is the greatest benefit any life could ever ask for!!

The Happiness of Self

In the words of Lao-Tzu the sixth century founder of Taoism, ”a journey of a thousand li starts with a single step.”

So there is was sitting in the lobby of my hotel awaiting to leave to my next destination…a glass of 30 year old malt in one hand, over ice, and a dragon fruit in the other, well, it was actually 2 dragon fruits, both sliced and plated from the breakfast buffet.

And before you go on about my choice of beverage at breakfast, just know that its better than the diet I got used to previously… no milk available I was actually reduced to coco pops and muesli and in the absence of milk I invented a concoction of vodka and coffee mate. Let me tell you, it’s a hell of a way to start the day!

Anyway, so it got me thinking. The flavors where amazing. Theologian and writer James Claire just wanted to don a chefs uniform then and there, and make a dessert from this collective of dragon fruit and its seeded glory in both white and purple and the flavor of the beverage at hand. Together they were stunning, and I could make a delicious and stunning dessert from them. I wanted to give up writing for while and just cook.

A friend of mine, who is a chef, has recently discussed giving it all up to find a permanent career in writing and journalism. He is a great writer after all, but its a big issue at mid life to change direction like that.

Then there is the case of a certain young lady that means a lot to me. She loves my nose, my eye colour and my white skin.

I adore her eyes, her dark hair and her nose and especially the golden caramelised colour of her skin.

You see, we are all the same!! No matter what we have, we all seem to want something else.

Some of us stay indoors scared to have the suns rays touch our skin for fear it makes us darker , others can’t get enough of the sun, its rays or anything that will darken us, tanning beds, tanning booths and spray tans to name a few.

I know friends who use whitening creams, powders and bleaches to remove what most of us seem to spend a fortune trying to brown up.

Why is it that we are never happy ?

A certain friend of recent past, constantly said her father complained and picked at little things, but she could not see that “SHE” was exactly the same.

Not a day went by when she was not complaining about something, usually to do with me. Had she just conceded to a life of happiness she would have seen that she has a great job, an amazing life, an amazing future and someone that loved her no matter what.

But before we find happiness there is one thing more important that we need to do… In the words or Lao-Tzu, “a single step”.

We need to love…

And I don’t mean others… the depth of love we should have is not for others, friends, lovers or companions, but for ourselves.

If you do not love yourself, if you are not comfortable in your own skin, if you can not look in the mirror and be proud and content, then how are you ever suppose to love another or be loved.

We were never all meant to be superstars, some where born with the DNA of models, many are not. But does that make us lesser people. Hell no !

I was born with the DNA of a “hippo”, my friend with the DNA of pastry chef, both of us are large guys. And not much to look at. But one thing we both actually have in common is that we are comfortable within our own skin. People can call me fat and I agree.

Does it mean I will lose weight immediately, I doubt it. Sometime in the future I will need to for age and medical reasons, but will I do it for the cosmetic purposes for another person. Why should I.!

I love myself and I don’t see reason to change for anything.

True love is to look past someone’s pitfalls and to see the beauty inside of the soul. That’s why perfect partners are often called “soul mates.” There are times when we have all seen a couple who look mismatched according to our stereotypical expectations, but the couple are so happy together. They probably can’t tell you why, just that they are absolutely in love with the other person.

Now that’s love?

We need to learn to be happy with what our lot is in life.

There are so many others, billions in fact who would swap with each us in a heart beat, for there’s truly is a tough existence.

Love what you are, love who you are and love doing what you do. The grass always seems greener on the other side, every job seems to have it easier than the one each of us has, but life could be much worse.

The bank account, the fashion sense and the social status of a person is no indication at all as to the one you think you’re loving.

Love yourself first and foremost. If others can’t love what and who are on first sight, then take a pass.

Love should be more than skin deep. Look at the soul, the heart and the ideals of a person and you will find a truly beautiful human being to spend time with.

If we can learn to love ourselves, it would stop us being envious of others too. There would be less fighting in the world, less squabbles and less desire to win at all costs.

Love can change the world, but it’s ourselves who must be the centre of our own attention first, or else everything else is superfluous.

In the Declaration of Independence of the United States of America of 1776 it is stated, “all men are created equal. They are endowed by the Creator with certain inalienable rights, among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

So if we are all created equal, why do some of us think they are better than others? Why do some such as my recent friend find it easy to tell me how to better myself? Why do we all try to be what we are not or why do some try to deny where they were born and why do others in foreign lands fight each other over disagreements of how each should live?

Lao-Tzu’s words of , ”a journey of a thousand li starts with a single step”, should be  our first consideration before we hurt another with words, fists or arms.

We are all born equal !

If as a “first step”,  we learnt to love ourselves and respect ourselves, we might see that we are equal! But whilst we remain unloved to ourselves, we shall always find things in others that make us envious or crazed.

Lets start this long journey to world peace and true happiness with a single step – self love, self appreciation and self reflection. Then we will see that we are indeed created equal and deserve love, life and happiness as equals, each and every one of us.

Anyway, till then, I’m off to write some more. I’ve eaten the dragon fruit and thrown back the beverage, I’ll send the dessert concept to my friend the chef and tell him to cook it. Food is what he does best, and we love him for that.

Besides, writing is not as easy as one thinks, the breakfasts alone can make you tired.

Ain’t the world just grand people!!- A New Day Dawns

Ahhhhh!  the freeing feeling of having made a choice and having it finally come to pass.

“Hindsight is 20/20 vision” and I see that so clearly now. 

All these troubled days of the past few months had been for two reasons. 

A close and gorgeous female DJ friend had stated that…” in the desire to depart one adventure for another, our emotions become heightened and thus things we would normally enjoy become frictious during this time of simply desiring to move on.”

The second reason for my clarity is this. I have always stated that I am not “overly” religious, by any denomination, but merely I have a belief system that there is a higher power of some type. Among this revolutionary theorum of mine is the belief in ‘travel guides’; suffice to say that when we need to follow a particular coarse of direction uncertain to us, when we are in doubt or if we are ourselves going against what the greater powers of nature desire for us, some ‘One” is sent to enter our lives and “guide” us into  direction which makes the cosmos happy.

Stuck in the centre of my own imploding universe until yesterday I was unable to see all of this.

Today 35,000 feet in my “other home” after a long sleep and numerous libations of the 30 year aged single malt process, revelations hit me with the visionary clarity of hindsight.

The Angel had been sent to me, to ‘guide’ me during this time, to remain on a singular course of action.

The pain I went through with her, insignificant,  compared to the pain I would have felt due to other circumstance (I cant quite go into) had she not been sent my way. To put it in simpler terms; departure was never going to be easy after 6 years, the method and manner in which departure was treated by others was definitely going to hurt , especially me, hence to soften its blow, I was kept distracted by the Angel. 

Her pain to me, the lesser of two evils.

See; simple!!

Today the sun shines brightly above the clouds which are speeding effortlessly by the double layer of plexyglass coverings which separate me from them. 

For the first time in a long time I am writing free in mind and the words are back floating before me, just waiting to be plucked from the air and entered into the keypad of my life’s story.

As a person, I am not whole yet, she made certain that I probably never will be for a very long time, if ever. A heart shattered into so many pieces just may never be able to be mended. 

I suffer now from what you might call, “Humpty Dumpty Syndrome”, no-one can ever put me back together again , after her.

Perhaps that too was the desired plan by the cosmic hierarchy.

But for now, James Claire the writer, theologian and humorist awoke from my malt induced slumber some where over the Indian Ocean and the world felt real once again.

The first time in many months.

Perhaps it’s the altitude, perhaps it’s the freedom of travel, perhaps I am simply back on track on life’s predetermined itinerary(or perhaps I just in desperate need of another one of those malted beverages).

My ‘travel guides’ job done, she has moved on to her next assignment and back to her homeland of Singapore. 

I wish the Angel well, I hope our paths cross again some time for despite her harsh treatment of me, she is special and I believe perhaps next time stronger in mind and not distracted with so many other things in my life, I might actually be able to teach her some things. Patience, understanding, respect for others, absolute love, compassion and humility would be a few she needs.

Time will tell if I am her “guide” or another gets the job.

For me, well time will tell many things too, I have sanity and an open mind and most importantly I have my fingers which seem happy to tap t the keyboard and continue expressing my life's story.

And to tell you the truth, for the first time in a long time , I feel once again that I have the world at my feet , well, 35,000 of them, but we’re soon heading into to land,  so it won’t be long.

New day, new dreams and a semblance of happiness.

Ain’t the world just grand people!!

Obituary to A Love

James Claire (1969-2011)

James Claire writer and Journalist, passed last night from complications of a broken heart.

A solitary , semi-recluse everything James was and did, defied his desire to sink into the shadows. In his early career he sought  fame and fortune, the loss of a close childhood friend scarred him deeply, he sought neither ever since.

An author of 15 books in his chosen career, through out his lifetime it was his unchosen career as a writer which gave him the most pleasure but which held the greatest challenge. A want-to-chef he found it hard to get people to eat his dishes, yet the same people ate up his words in magazines around the world under numerous pseudonyms, unbeknownst to them.

A desire to teach others the beauty of what he had learnt in life and had seen, continually pulled at him to write. Writing was his window to the world under which he used assumed names where possible so as to remain untouched by the scathing words of those who desired not to listen and to believe.  

In the end his theory of death was similar to one he had in regards his beloved writing. “Perhaps inside us all, we have only a certain number of words to express, once we have penned them, then we are done”.

Perhaps James had used his allocation of words and was therefore predicated to expire.

For anyone who knew James for any period of time they would understand that retirement was never actually an option.

He had lived, loved and travelled far.  Was an over achiever, he rarely rested long.

James died single and alone, had never married and despite rumours had fathered no children he was aware of.

He was in the words of Star Trek, ‘All about the journey not the destination”.

As a child he heard romanticised stories of his merchant navy uncle, in his thirties he sampled the sea life for himself and fell in love. Thereafter, itchy feet  stopped James from settling for long, anywhere or with anyone.

To the day he chose to pass, he was still searching for the right person and the right place to live. His writing, whilst it had been the glue which held his soul together for many decades, had also been his ruin.

No matter how amazing a relationship nor how stunning a city in which he lived, he had always been able, in his own mind and by his own hand,  to paint a more vibrant, amorous, sensuous world with words .

 Life on earth, in the end, could simply not live up to his own expectations. 

It was once said of Robert F Kennedy at his eulogy “ he saw the wrongs and sought to right them” similar could also be said of James “ he often saw perfection but could always write it better”.

Author of more than a dozen books, and writer for numerous magazines throughout his lifetime he was as a person very unknown. 

Few every really got the chance to intimately see the true soul.

One that did, hurt him more than he could ever have imagined possible. A speaker of the truth, he was not believed, words had finally failed him and he fell silent.

To himself he always felt he had never reached his own potential. The world was not ready for him. His need to work to pay the bills sapped him of the valuable time he sought to write fulltime.

He always believed that inside of him was a Pulitzer prize winning novel, in the end he could wait no longer for it to be released by his own mind, and put pen to paper. 

The only way to stop the self-hatred for never penning such beauty was to stop the source of his pain for good.

In his own words, “to have never fulfilled ones own desires of self , is to hate the self which is unfulfilled.”

James Claire was forty-three years old when his heart broke for the final time.

On The Wings of the Angel

So often is the case over 42 years...another angel has grown wings and slipped the surly bonds of our compassion, leaving the many times shattered heart, in pieces yet again.

Jean de La Fontaine stated that , "Sadness flies away on the wings of time". Some how I fear this time it will not.

We had already discussed the ideals of children, marriage and more. This was the one...the last one as it would seem.

Perfection  was this angels name. But as a friend wrote today on Facebook, "if you are not on the same page, perhaps its time to shut the book."

Well the Angels book has been closed and stored on the growing library of my life.

From the beginning we never truly clicked. I stated far too early what my heart screamed and due to others in her past she chose to believe that honesty was fiction rather than truth.

The fact she learnt I was a writer, turned against me too. 

"Words are easy" I was told. 

If only she knew how hard they are for me to find right now.

My heart stopped in her presence, my world existed when she was near me, my breathe halted unless I knew she was soon to be with me yet again.

Of all the angels, over 43 years, this was truly the one. 

I believe I am done now. 

A solitary life will be easier and less painful over time than to face the difficulties of the past few weeks.

A heart scarred can never be the same again. This time the wound cut deeper than most and the heart has grown cautious.

Perhaps its life, the world or challenges of love that have changed. For me the truth is the truth. It hurts not to be believed. it actually stings to be called a liar when the only words you speak are from the heart.

You can not make people love you. You can not make people believe you and it is pointless asking some one to stay when they have doubt.

"I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had." so spoke the words in Wonder Years.

"Maybe part of loving is learning to let go."

Perhaps my whole life has lead me to this place? I learnt the following poem by Walter De La Mere when I was aged 7 or 8. Mrs Lawrence made me recite the poem at a school reading. Perhaps the words, learnt and programmed into me, recited for weeks before the presentation actually permiated my conscious. Perhaps I have been programmed all these years for nothing more than loss. 

WHY? 

Ever, ever

Stir and shiver

The reeds and rushes

By the river:

Ever, ever,

As if in dream,

The lone moon’s silver

Sleeks the stream.

What old sorrow,

What lost love,

Moon, reeds, rushes,

Dream you of?

(Walter de la Mare)

Did I learn anything from angel who visited me so briefly. Yes I did!! Perhaps the longest piece of Arabic in six years, 

"La ilaha il Allah, Muhammad rasullallah".

She taught me tolerance and she taught me to embrace a religion I had never considered before. One which I will continue down its path long past these difficult days. 

I also learnt that a heart void of love itself can never give love. She thought highly of herself and lowly of me, I was cool with that despite the angst of my friends. I saw the faults that she did too, but I enjoyed the fact she told the truth. In the end I saw it differently. She told the truth about myself by was blinded to that about herself. I feel sorrow for her there, for she could be such an amazing person, had she simply seen the world has faults not just the one screaming love toward her.

Anyway folks, it is done. Time for me to return to the world of reality. Bitter and sore, but needing to move on.

I stated once before that I needed to move past the subject of love. The next posting will be the last on the subject for a long time. It will be the obituary to love. Never fear it is nothing but a writers words. But it is the final say on a subject that my heart needs to clear before life returns to some semblance of normality. If normal can be attained with a gaping whole in ones heart that is !!