One Small Step For Mankind....

Time may heal all wounds, but let me tell you that ‘Time’ does not repair a shattered heart.

23 years ago I lost my best friend to suicide and yet I cry more now for the guilt imparted in not having called him the day before he passed, than I think I have cried in any year over the past two decades. Of course having a father attempt the same and having lost near and dear ones of an intimate nature over the past few years has not helped my situation at all either.

In fact in recent years, this Humpty Dumpty has felt more like a jigsaw puzzle without many of it’s edge pieces. Barely holding things together.

Anyway, after a recent failed attempt toward happiness I decided and was informed by a few that I should seek professional help, in the form of Therapy.

I went to a “shrink” 20 years ago and we just did not see eye to eye.. He was an idiot and I was not, that simple!

Over the years my attitude toward professional help has declined along with my mental health. In my eyes, you just don’t grow a new heart, you need a transplant and I’m pretty sure Psychologists and Psychiatrists don’t do those in their office on the sofa.

I come form the old school of thinking also. JUST GET OVER IT! In fact I can hear my father saying those words all the time. PULL YOUR SELF TOGETHER SON he would say if any of us where ever depressed.

But after well over 106 relationships since the age of 21 and more than 30 of those in the past 5 years, I have to finally state that it’s not just me getting hurt by my dilemma now, but a lot of others as well. And that means that my problem has become others problem and thats just not fair.

In a relationship you have to have a heart to be able to give a heart and mine has been so long shattered that the rock that sits in it’s place is no place from which to begin any new relationship right now.

A relationship needs commitment of heart and mind and I realize now that I have been missing 50% of that equation for quite some time, two decades or more in fact.

Little wonder I’m 43 and single.

So will therapy change things?

Can it help to grow a new muscle where my heart once sat and will it make that muscle beat and feel again?

I doubt it personally. 23 years is a very long time to suffer anything and you come to live with it, be accustomed to it and deal with things in your own way. Hiding the truth mainly from everyone.

In a way my relationship all these years has been with “LOSS” and to lose “Loss” now after all this time might be hard to take.

Anyway, today is Sunday February 17^th 2013  and today was the first day with my new psychologist, Day one of therapy.

Lets just give it a try and see where this takes us shall we !

I’m off to buy a pack of tissues to give to the Dr., because I used a lot of hers this afternoon.

Wish me well folks!