FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS !!!!!

A close friend asked me recently if I believed in the concept of “friends with benefits”, apparently she thought it was a Western concept enjoyed by us all.

I suggested that she stop watching re-runs of “Sex in the City” and understand that everything on television and Hollywood movies was not in fact based upon reality.

Oh how many of us may wish!!

Yet even the best of us can see the complications and jealousy that would rear its ugly head within such a concept also. Perhaps if all emotion, heart and natural human feelings were removed from the process, it would be a possibility, but truly , I do digress, for I do not believe in such  un-realities of the human psyche.

What I want to discuss this blog is the other ideals of my own “Friends with Benefits”.

You see I have truly been blessed with some of the most amazing friendships a human being can possibly afford.

I’m not talking about the amazing people who bless my life on a daily basis, they know how deeply I appreciate their friendship, well I would hope they do !

And I’m not actually talking about the great friends  with whom I have known for in excess of millennia, and if not call or text every few weeks, months or years, I email usually more frequently. We all lead busy professional lives, no one expects immediate replies to emails or texts, but the answers, the emails and the conversations we do have , when they occur, are absolutely heart felt and real. They are the sought of people with whom a life’s journey is a blessing, people with whom you can ask the hardest questions of life; the unexplored emotions and queries that you parents never answered, and only a closest friend of decades can appreciate.

There is also the friendships that have occurred and are cyclical, and these are the ones I call my true “Friends with Benefits”. All friendships have some benefits, secrets kept, things borrowed, others loaned and shoulders on which to cry.

What I adore about the third type of friendships is their unexpectedness and perfection of timing,

Recently I made a big move. It could have been a tough time for me, but out of the blue came my friends. A co-worker from Singapore that I worked with more than 15 years ago emailed me just yesterday and stated that she had remained in the food industry all these years and was now a renowned food photographer. Her email, resolutely confirming that her ambition and some of my early training of her in the food industry, reaped benefits for the world in a fantastic manner.

Another friend, a male colleague I had not heard from in over a decade, yet a single email this week, connected us again like we had never been apart.

Today, a friend from Canada, Facebooked me to apologise for not being there always when I needed assistance, but that times had been tough for my friend as well.

“Friends with benefits”, in the Sex and the City terminology, a guaranteed emotional hell and heart break galore eventually down the track.

“Friends with benefits” in my world, the land of James Claire, where friends don’t always have to be their, they don’t always have to write, they don’t always text or email, but in your heart they are there, emotionally lifting your soul and spirit in times of true need.

With the added  “benefit”, of a fantastic surprise of connection and reminder of how wonderful your life has been to have met them, enjoyed time with them, and to have been there for each other at some time in the past, when finally you meet, call, text, email, facebook or skype each other in the future.

To all my friends, now, past and future, Thank You !!

Your love, kindness and friendship is the greatest benefit any life could ever ask for!!

The Happiness of Self

In the words of Lao-Tzu the sixth century founder of Taoism, ”a journey of a thousand li starts with a single step.”

So there is was sitting in the lobby of my hotel awaiting to leave to my next destination…a glass of 30 year old malt in one hand, over ice, and a dragon fruit in the other, well, it was actually 2 dragon fruits, both sliced and plated from the breakfast buffet.

And before you go on about my choice of beverage at breakfast, just know that its better than the diet I got used to previously… no milk available I was actually reduced to coco pops and muesli and in the absence of milk I invented a concoction of vodka and coffee mate. Let me tell you, it’s a hell of a way to start the day!

Anyway, so it got me thinking. The flavors where amazing. Theologian and writer James Claire just wanted to don a chefs uniform then and there, and make a dessert from this collective of dragon fruit and its seeded glory in both white and purple and the flavor of the beverage at hand. Together they were stunning, and I could make a delicious and stunning dessert from them. I wanted to give up writing for while and just cook.

A friend of mine, who is a chef, has recently discussed giving it all up to find a permanent career in writing and journalism. He is a great writer after all, but its a big issue at mid life to change direction like that.

Then there is the case of a certain young lady that means a lot to me. She loves my nose, my eye colour and my white skin.

I adore her eyes, her dark hair and her nose and especially the golden caramelised colour of her skin.

You see, we are all the same!! No matter what we have, we all seem to want something else.

Some of us stay indoors scared to have the suns rays touch our skin for fear it makes us darker , others can’t get enough of the sun, its rays or anything that will darken us, tanning beds, tanning booths and spray tans to name a few.

I know friends who use whitening creams, powders and bleaches to remove what most of us seem to spend a fortune trying to brown up.

Why is it that we are never happy ?

A certain friend of recent past, constantly said her father complained and picked at little things, but she could not see that “SHE” was exactly the same.

Not a day went by when she was not complaining about something, usually to do with me. Had she just conceded to a life of happiness she would have seen that she has a great job, an amazing life, an amazing future and someone that loved her no matter what.

But before we find happiness there is one thing more important that we need to do… In the words or Lao-Tzu, “a single step”.

We need to love…

And I don’t mean others… the depth of love we should have is not for others, friends, lovers or companions, but for ourselves.

If you do not love yourself, if you are not comfortable in your own skin, if you can not look in the mirror and be proud and content, then how are you ever suppose to love another or be loved.

We were never all meant to be superstars, some where born with the DNA of models, many are not. But does that make us lesser people. Hell no !

I was born with the DNA of a “hippo”, my friend with the DNA of pastry chef, both of us are large guys. And not much to look at. But one thing we both actually have in common is that we are comfortable within our own skin. People can call me fat and I agree.

Does it mean I will lose weight immediately, I doubt it. Sometime in the future I will need to for age and medical reasons, but will I do it for the cosmetic purposes for another person. Why should I.!

I love myself and I don’t see reason to change for anything.

True love is to look past someone’s pitfalls and to see the beauty inside of the soul. That’s why perfect partners are often called “soul mates.” There are times when we have all seen a couple who look mismatched according to our stereotypical expectations, but the couple are so happy together. They probably can’t tell you why, just that they are absolutely in love with the other person.

Now that’s love?

We need to learn to be happy with what our lot is in life.

There are so many others, billions in fact who would swap with each us in a heart beat, for there’s truly is a tough existence.

Love what you are, love who you are and love doing what you do. The grass always seems greener on the other side, every job seems to have it easier than the one each of us has, but life could be much worse.

The bank account, the fashion sense and the social status of a person is no indication at all as to the one you think you’re loving.

Love yourself first and foremost. If others can’t love what and who are on first sight, then take a pass.

Love should be more than skin deep. Look at the soul, the heart and the ideals of a person and you will find a truly beautiful human being to spend time with.

If we can learn to love ourselves, it would stop us being envious of others too. There would be less fighting in the world, less squabbles and less desire to win at all costs.

Love can change the world, but it’s ourselves who must be the centre of our own attention first, or else everything else is superfluous.

In the Declaration of Independence of the United States of America of 1776 it is stated, “all men are created equal. They are endowed by the Creator with certain inalienable rights, among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

So if we are all created equal, why do some of us think they are better than others? Why do some such as my recent friend find it easy to tell me how to better myself? Why do we all try to be what we are not or why do some try to deny where they were born and why do others in foreign lands fight each other over disagreements of how each should live?

Lao-Tzu’s words of , ”a journey of a thousand li starts with a single step”, should be  our first consideration before we hurt another with words, fists or arms.

We are all born equal !

If as a “first step”,  we learnt to love ourselves and respect ourselves, we might see that we are equal! But whilst we remain unloved to ourselves, we shall always find things in others that make us envious or crazed.

Lets start this long journey to world peace and true happiness with a single step – self love, self appreciation and self reflection. Then we will see that we are indeed created equal and deserve love, life and happiness as equals, each and every one of us.

Anyway, till then, I’m off to write some more. I’ve eaten the dragon fruit and thrown back the beverage, I’ll send the dessert concept to my friend the chef and tell him to cook it. Food is what he does best, and we love him for that.

Besides, writing is not as easy as one thinks, the breakfasts alone can make you tired.

Ain’t the world just grand people!!- A New Day Dawns

Ahhhhh!  the freeing feeling of having made a choice and having it finally come to pass.

“Hindsight is 20/20 vision” and I see that so clearly now. 

All these troubled days of the past few months had been for two reasons. 

A close and gorgeous female DJ friend had stated that…” in the desire to depart one adventure for another, our emotions become heightened and thus things we would normally enjoy become frictious during this time of simply desiring to move on.”

The second reason for my clarity is this. I have always stated that I am not “overly” religious, by any denomination, but merely I have a belief system that there is a higher power of some type. Among this revolutionary theorum of mine is the belief in ‘travel guides’; suffice to say that when we need to follow a particular coarse of direction uncertain to us, when we are in doubt or if we are ourselves going against what the greater powers of nature desire for us, some ‘One” is sent to enter our lives and “guide” us into  direction which makes the cosmos happy.

Stuck in the centre of my own imploding universe until yesterday I was unable to see all of this.

Today 35,000 feet in my “other home” after a long sleep and numerous libations of the 30 year aged single malt process, revelations hit me with the visionary clarity of hindsight.

The Angel had been sent to me, to ‘guide’ me during this time, to remain on a singular course of action.

The pain I went through with her, insignificant,  compared to the pain I would have felt due to other circumstance (I cant quite go into) had she not been sent my way. To put it in simpler terms; departure was never going to be easy after 6 years, the method and manner in which departure was treated by others was definitely going to hurt , especially me, hence to soften its blow, I was kept distracted by the Angel. 

Her pain to me, the lesser of two evils.

See; simple!!

Today the sun shines brightly above the clouds which are speeding effortlessly by the double layer of plexyglass coverings which separate me from them. 

For the first time in a long time I am writing free in mind and the words are back floating before me, just waiting to be plucked from the air and entered into the keypad of my life’s story.

As a person, I am not whole yet, she made certain that I probably never will be for a very long time, if ever. A heart shattered into so many pieces just may never be able to be mended. 

I suffer now from what you might call, “Humpty Dumpty Syndrome”, no-one can ever put me back together again , after her.

Perhaps that too was the desired plan by the cosmic hierarchy.

But for now, James Claire the writer, theologian and humorist awoke from my malt induced slumber some where over the Indian Ocean and the world felt real once again.

The first time in many months.

Perhaps it’s the altitude, perhaps it’s the freedom of travel, perhaps I am simply back on track on life’s predetermined itinerary(or perhaps I just in desperate need of another one of those malted beverages).

My ‘travel guides’ job done, she has moved on to her next assignment and back to her homeland of Singapore. 

I wish the Angel well, I hope our paths cross again some time for despite her harsh treatment of me, she is special and I believe perhaps next time stronger in mind and not distracted with so many other things in my life, I might actually be able to teach her some things. Patience, understanding, respect for others, absolute love, compassion and humility would be a few she needs.

Time will tell if I am her “guide” or another gets the job.

For me, well time will tell many things too, I have sanity and an open mind and most importantly I have my fingers which seem happy to tap t the keyboard and continue expressing my life's story.

And to tell you the truth, for the first time in a long time , I feel once again that I have the world at my feet , well, 35,000 of them, but we’re soon heading into to land,  so it won’t be long.

New day, new dreams and a semblance of happiness.

Ain’t the world just grand people!!

Obituary to A Love

James Claire (1969-2011)

James Claire writer and Journalist, passed last night from complications of a broken heart.

A solitary , semi-recluse everything James was and did, defied his desire to sink into the shadows. In his early career he sought  fame and fortune, the loss of a close childhood friend scarred him deeply, he sought neither ever since.

An author of 15 books in his chosen career, through out his lifetime it was his unchosen career as a writer which gave him the most pleasure but which held the greatest challenge. A want-to-chef he found it hard to get people to eat his dishes, yet the same people ate up his words in magazines around the world under numerous pseudonyms, unbeknownst to them.

A desire to teach others the beauty of what he had learnt in life and had seen, continually pulled at him to write. Writing was his window to the world under which he used assumed names where possible so as to remain untouched by the scathing words of those who desired not to listen and to believe.  

In the end his theory of death was similar to one he had in regards his beloved writing. “Perhaps inside us all, we have only a certain number of words to express, once we have penned them, then we are done”.

Perhaps James had used his allocation of words and was therefore predicated to expire.

For anyone who knew James for any period of time they would understand that retirement was never actually an option.

He had lived, loved and travelled far.  Was an over achiever, he rarely rested long.

James died single and alone, had never married and despite rumours had fathered no children he was aware of.

He was in the words of Star Trek, ‘All about the journey not the destination”.

As a child he heard romanticised stories of his merchant navy uncle, in his thirties he sampled the sea life for himself and fell in love. Thereafter, itchy feet  stopped James from settling for long, anywhere or with anyone.

To the day he chose to pass, he was still searching for the right person and the right place to live. His writing, whilst it had been the glue which held his soul together for many decades, had also been his ruin.

No matter how amazing a relationship nor how stunning a city in which he lived, he had always been able, in his own mind and by his own hand,  to paint a more vibrant, amorous, sensuous world with words .

 Life on earth, in the end, could simply not live up to his own expectations. 

It was once said of Robert F Kennedy at his eulogy “ he saw the wrongs and sought to right them” similar could also be said of James “ he often saw perfection but could always write it better”.

Author of more than a dozen books, and writer for numerous magazines throughout his lifetime he was as a person very unknown. 

Few every really got the chance to intimately see the true soul.

One that did, hurt him more than he could ever have imagined possible. A speaker of the truth, he was not believed, words had finally failed him and he fell silent.

To himself he always felt he had never reached his own potential. The world was not ready for him. His need to work to pay the bills sapped him of the valuable time he sought to write fulltime.

He always believed that inside of him was a Pulitzer prize winning novel, in the end he could wait no longer for it to be released by his own mind, and put pen to paper. 

The only way to stop the self-hatred for never penning such beauty was to stop the source of his pain for good.

In his own words, “to have never fulfilled ones own desires of self , is to hate the self which is unfulfilled.”

James Claire was forty-three years old when his heart broke for the final time.

On The Wings of the Angel

So often is the case over 42 years...another angel has grown wings and slipped the surly bonds of our compassion, leaving the many times shattered heart, in pieces yet again.

Jean de La Fontaine stated that , "Sadness flies away on the wings of time". Some how I fear this time it will not.

We had already discussed the ideals of children, marriage and more. This was the one...the last one as it would seem.

Perfection  was this angels name. But as a friend wrote today on Facebook, "if you are not on the same page, perhaps its time to shut the book."

Well the Angels book has been closed and stored on the growing library of my life.

From the beginning we never truly clicked. I stated far too early what my heart screamed and due to others in her past she chose to believe that honesty was fiction rather than truth.

The fact she learnt I was a writer, turned against me too. 

"Words are easy" I was told. 

If only she knew how hard they are for me to find right now.

My heart stopped in her presence, my world existed when she was near me, my breathe halted unless I knew she was soon to be with me yet again.

Of all the angels, over 43 years, this was truly the one. 

I believe I am done now. 

A solitary life will be easier and less painful over time than to face the difficulties of the past few weeks.

A heart scarred can never be the same again. This time the wound cut deeper than most and the heart has grown cautious.

Perhaps its life, the world or challenges of love that have changed. For me the truth is the truth. It hurts not to be believed. it actually stings to be called a liar when the only words you speak are from the heart.

You can not make people love you. You can not make people believe you and it is pointless asking some one to stay when they have doubt.

"I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had." so spoke the words in Wonder Years.

"Maybe part of loving is learning to let go."

Perhaps my whole life has lead me to this place? I learnt the following poem by Walter De La Mere when I was aged 7 or 8. Mrs Lawrence made me recite the poem at a school reading. Perhaps the words, learnt and programmed into me, recited for weeks before the presentation actually permiated my conscious. Perhaps I have been programmed all these years for nothing more than loss. 

WHY? 

Ever, ever

Stir and shiver

The reeds and rushes

By the river:

Ever, ever,

As if in dream,

The lone moon’s silver

Sleeks the stream.

What old sorrow,

What lost love,

Moon, reeds, rushes,

Dream you of?

(Walter de la Mare)

Did I learn anything from angel who visited me so briefly. Yes I did!! Perhaps the longest piece of Arabic in six years, 

"La ilaha il Allah, Muhammad rasullallah".

She taught me tolerance and she taught me to embrace a religion I had never considered before. One which I will continue down its path long past these difficult days. 

I also learnt that a heart void of love itself can never give love. She thought highly of herself and lowly of me, I was cool with that despite the angst of my friends. I saw the faults that she did too, but I enjoyed the fact she told the truth. In the end I saw it differently. She told the truth about myself by was blinded to that about herself. I feel sorrow for her there, for she could be such an amazing person, had she simply seen the world has faults not just the one screaming love toward her.

Anyway folks, it is done. Time for me to return to the world of reality. Bitter and sore, but needing to move on.

I stated once before that I needed to move past the subject of love. The next posting will be the last on the subject for a long time. It will be the obituary to love. Never fear it is nothing but a writers words. But it is the final say on a subject that my heart needs to clear before life returns to some semblance of normality. If normal can be attained with a gaping whole in ones heart that is !!

When Dreams Get Blurry

A friend wrote on his blog yesterday; (http://paulbritton.blogspot.com)

“You can plan your life and set all the goals in the World, but the World has a not so strange way of doing the opposite.

Do you work for happiness or should you make happiness work for you? I think the latter. As a chef as in life you strive to always improve and learn, hoping to drive your career to meet your goal, before striving for the next!

Is life just a continuum for improving your knowledge and skill and looking for the next best job with bigger salary and or job title ? “

James Claire was born in 1969, the last of the free thinking, free believing sixties children. The “Mommas and the Papas”, California Dreaming still plays in my head all these years later. I remember, although not the actual day, Man’s landing on the moon, about a month after my own First step on this planetary body. Neil Armstrong and I both made the world a better place to live in 1969.

Landing on the moon gave us all dreams of being astronauts and explorers. It was a great time.

Early seventies with our bell bottom bad taste clothing and absurd colour schematics that possibly drug induced parents thought were cool, probably gave us children the ability to dream even harder. I could have been a clothes designer. In the seventies anyone could have been had they just designed anything 360 degrees different to what everyone was wearing.

Today August 14^th 2011, I am living in a world where all my dreams have blurred. I’m a little lost my friends. In essence Im the luckiest man alive. I have been offered multiple amazing options for the remainder of my life and I have the choose the right one. But do I live the dream , do I sell my soul for cash or do I take the responsible corporate career choice !

Another dear friend wrote to me today and explained that to find the vision I need right now, the direction to life from here to eternity,  that I need to address the THREE ME’s. He stated them as the James who writes, the James who Cook’s and the James who just wants to be the free radical and have fun.

I see it slightly differently; as the Philosopher, the Creator and the Adventurer.

I once had a singular career. I now have two. Both drawing me in totally different areas.

I’m not scared to state that at forty two I’m a little apprehensive. Just like Neil Armstrong must have been blasting off on a mission to a planet no one had ever landed on before.

I too am thinking, is this sane!

As kids dreams are crystal clear. They have a point.!

I want to be a fireman to fight fires, I want to be an astronaut to go to the moon. What those dreams don’t have is repercussions, politics , or old people in them.

Dreams of just a few years ago where to continue climbing the corporate ladder.

My dreams of today are to have a family, have children and  raise them safe and well.

But to do so, one needs money. (ahh the root of all evil? ) The writer/philosopher can etch out a living for sure, but at a slower pace and possibly not at the rate the children will require.

The Creator Chef can easily earn the vast sums required from any corporate position but there are days the body feels prematurely aged and not willing to climb the ladder any longer.

And the Adventurer, well his head is in the jungles of Borneo and wandering the lush hills and valleys of the Tuscan hillsides , boating on Lake Cuomo and sailing along the Amalfi Coast. The Adventurer can have a great honeymoon but unless there is a wealthy benefactor his dreams will crash and burn faster than most.

Are we just put here on earth to work for 60 years then die?

Why are only such a small percentage of us allowed to earn excessive amounts of money that allow them to live freely and live their dream?

Is it best to chase the dollar over all else just to give the next generation, the life we wished we had lived ourselves, or is it better to raise children in a low income but high love family environment.

I am at the precipice of a major life dilemna.! Perhaps at 42  I am suppose to just go buy a Ferrari and enjoy that my future wife looks great sitting in it !!!

But that’s not me. Me is sitting in apartment 26 floors above reality looking out on a vision of blurry dreams.

Carl Jung wrote in his Psychology of the Unconscious of Dreams , “Dreams are symbolic in order that they cannot be understood; in order that the wish, which is the source of the dream, may remain unknown."

The dreams of which I speak are perhaps childhood wishes of what life should have been for us all, had we all remained children. Dreams of my adulthood are far simpler, financial, safety, family.

Yet the manner to get there is not simple. Do I sell my soul for stability or do I fight the corporate ladder for respect or do I meander through life and just hope and pray every day that “something” will get us through to the next.

But life is not as Charles De Lint wrote in the Onion Girl,” What I want to do is travel deeper and deeper into the dreamlands, to find that place that I know is waiting for me here. My home.”

Dreamer/Philosopher/Writer James may live there and have his home in Dreamland  but sitting here, right now, as James the Creator, I think that all these questions are in fact just the dreamer within.

Reality is I have to go to work whether I like it or not. Reality is responsibility and responsibility means providing for a family, even if at this moment I don’t have one!

Well, as they say, One can dream right !

Better the Devil You know

One of the many sayings of my mother when I was young was “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t”.

To be honest, in my youth, I did not know any devils. And I was surprised she did. She was a saint!

Years have passed and I don’t speak to the wisest woman of my life as often as I should any more, but thankfully she seemed to have spoken so much to me over the past 42 years that it finally is starting to sink in and make sense.

I guess when you don’t see some one you miss them more, when you don’t speak to them, you remember the words they spoke previously.

And so I remember the words of  my mother, and thankfully age has made me a touch wiser and a little quicker on the understanding of her wisdom.

Strangely it happens to be at this very time that I find I am leaving a current employ for this very reason.

Friends , or at least work colleagues and I had worked for several years with someone we deemed less than ideal. Fact is, said person did a fair job based on parameters of the position offered. I can not explain, more than to say, we all have our job description and those who both hinder and assist the same.

She was caught between us who demanded more and those above her that demanded less, or at least forgave her for less.

And so when time came for her life change and a career move, well, we welcomed the change.

And of course this is where I should have listened more intently to my mother. Having sought a change and welcomed the new person on board, well that was the last happy days of our lives. All else went down hill following. 

We would all gladly welcome back the old days, forgive the mistakes and  forget the problems , just for the peace calm and happiness we actually enjoyed back then, certainly compared to now.

Some times it truly is better to stay in a less than ideal situation rather than risk making a change and winding up in a spot that's even worse.

But that brings me to another saying, “Hindsight is a vision 20/20”. Indeed it is. In looking back to the past we can see the mistakes and find the answers, which we could not at the particular time. Everyone can be smart after the fact.

But of course, as with everything, I find that the saying about, “better the devil you know”, has aged a little the same as my mother.

You see, back was a time when it was indeed better to “put up”, with a problem rather than suffer a change.

In today’s world, we simply suffer as long as we can and then , without a positive outcome, we have choices.

And choices it has come to.

Life is too short to suffer at the hands of fools and those out to cause grievance merely to cover up their own complacencies and incompetancies.

“In the end, its not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years that matters”.

And we should all live this philosophy.

 It does not matter whether you are single, married, employed, un employed, happy or sad, we all have a predetermined length of life.

Whoever made us, decides our fates.

It’s the days in between that are up to us.

Some “devils” will be sent along to test you, some we should put up with as the other option could be worse. But if in the end there is no choice; leave.

Happiness is up to us individually. No one else can make you happy if you are not feeling it inside.

If you are not happy, first ask why? Sometimes its not the people around you that’s the problem as you may think, it could be you who has simply outlived or out stayed your current situation. Seek a change, find peace and happiness inside yourself and you will find the same in life.

And so, I’m off. Off to make sure the life in my years truly counts. Newer shores await and the tally of my travels , currently standing at 79 countries , hopes to grow larger faster.

To my friends and colleagues traveling too, may the wind blow swiftly and safely at your backs and remember , in the words of Henry Miller, “One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.”

And may we see many new things in the countries on which our feet are about to disembark.