Dead To Me Dan

I have a female work colleague. Young, vivacious and stunning, well to others , to me she is more a little sister, or perhaps at my age, as she so often reminds me, perhaps a young niece.

Anyway, she lives life to the fullest. Parties, drinks, enjoys herself and, (how does one state this eloquently), she leaves a similar trail of destruction in the hearts and minds of her partners,  as her male writer “Uncle” once did with his female love interests.

Getting older is nothing if one does not impart a speck of ones knowledge upon the youth whom we see growing up in the same vain as ourselves.

Why must history continue to repeat itself if someone who has already lived the life, knows the sorrow and despair that is to come, and does not tell the youthful colleague before she endures it also.

Which leads me to Dead To Me Dan.

We have this saying at work, once a love interest has departed our transient lives when someone asks about them, we shake our head viciously and simply state,” I have no idea, they are as good as dead to me.”

In little Miss Femme Fatale’s recent history there has been several, including the one we call “Dead To Me Dan.” One day loved, next day not, day after dead to her.

It’s all in jest and fun and most of us around the lunch table have already moved on to other love interests, it just proves what a disposable lifestyle we all have these days. Razors, Cling Film, love interests, all disposed of and sent to the land fill without much of a second thought. (And yes we do lead the lifestyle of the mid-sixties)

But whilst we laugh at the time, it was this morning waking and enjoying my multi storied apartment , making my espresso solo, setting out my own clothing before showering and picking up the morning paper from the front door, that I realized that what is the point of all this if I have no one to share it with.

As fast and as painful as the front door closing on my heels, it struck me just how many “Dead To Me Dan’s” there were in my own trail of heart destruction over the past 35 years.

I am not proud of the numbers. It has never been about a tally or notches in the belt. Simply something within me, never consummates a relationship. I enjoy it for a time and then push away or walk out the door.

I do enjoy my freedom and there are days when married cohorts remind me just how lucky I am. But I guess the true sense of remorse this morning was that each of those whom I have left, must sometimes feel the same as I did today. Even the fact that most are married now and have families there must be a minute per year that they remember. The letters, the cards and the notes I find in boxes upon boxes of my own life history are far too poignant and realistic. Heart felt words truly from the core of their soul, at that moment, to ever truly be forgotten.

In a Hollywood movie landscape, I would at this time of life, before departing on yet another move, contact each one of them to say sorry. I never wanted to fill the world with sadness , hatred or remorse. I truly believe that to have loved for a moment is better than to have not at all. Sadly many of my friends would have preferred to have been the only love and the last.

To all those I have scarred, I apologise, To those I have left mad, I say sorry and to those who think its best to forget and move on, it is not!

I beg you to remember every person who enters your life and never forget the wondrous feelings of early love and the words passed between lips and heart. Those are the true words of absolute love, no matter what occurs in the future.

And as for “Dead To Me Dan”, well both parties of that relationship have moved on, but I hope in the world of my little niece, he is the last person to ever exit her world and to be forgotten.

Peace, love and all things sixties to you all.