One Regret ....

If there is one regret I have in life, it is not that my parents could have been richer, could have been better or could have been nicer…they were all that they could have been…no…the only regret I will carry to my grave is that I could have been a better son.....

To my parents.

Time gives us eyes for the truth and a sense for reality.

I love you both 

x

THINGS IN WHICH I NO LONGER BELIEVE

We have all heard of “Happily ever after!”…but was it ?

No body ever wrote the trilogy to Snow White, the Three Little Pigs or Red Riding hood.

Back in those days they were all just one hit wonders, in a time when audience naivety was strong.

They believed the story line and they believed what they were told. If the wolf ate grandmother then so be it, if seven dwarfs lived with a gorgeous blonde, no one asked who paid the rent or how ?

But do any of us believe in fairy tales anymore?

What else do you not believe in as we approach the 22^nd century at a blistering speed.

Author JM Barrie stated…”The moment you don’t believe you can fly, you cease to ever be able to do it”.. perhaps that’s true , as I know I can’t fly anymore already.

I’m not riding on cynicism this month, I purely want to relate those things in which I truly just do no longer believe to be good for us or to be fact any longer, and remember these are just my personal view points, I don’t expect others to agree with me, but I am putting my thoughts out there so if you feel you wish to berate me for my personal views, then go ahead. That’s what life is all about. Freedom to think and to say what we want.

Happily Ever After…it’s a fairy tale ending and doesn’t exist. “Ever after” is a long time just ask Kim Kardashian she could last 72 days with husband Kris Humphrey’s and these days there is just so much that can happen. Perhaps centuries ago when people travelled no further than the edge of their village, before big government stepped in to help us all, before technology and globalization began, the world seemed to be able to live “Happily Ever After” between wars and faction fighting. I think out of seven billion people on this tiny planet there would be few remaining who believe that this is true or a plausible eventuality any more. And if they do then they probably still believe they can fly also!

Big Government.

Government was a force to be reckoned with, when countries where smaller. Today Government employees realize what we all do, that there are so many billions running through the coffers that no one will miss a few million. Senators and politicians worry about themselves first and the general public second. Government will not protect us , they will not care about our pensions , medi-care or welfare systems until after they have given themselves a healthy dose of life long retirement packages, great after government positions and free flights.

Countries, populations and the greed of humanity has changed politicians to be like most of everyone else who look out for themselves first and worry about the others second. They are supposed to be public servants, but their service to the public runs pretty short much of the time.

A Pot of Gold At the End Of The Rainbow…Up their with “Happily Ever After” and “Once Upon a Time”, and about as cliché as wicked witches, evil step sisters and princes who are charming. The fact is , gold or any fortune comes from hard labor. Chests of the stuff can not be found on idyllic beaches hidden by ancient Carribean pirates, and it certainly has not been left at the end of a rainbow by a leprechaun or any other pint sized creature. It’s a nice thought, but first year out of high school this one was lost to the fairies.

Drinking Water From A Tap; As a child we did and thankfully so. In our town they heavily fluorided the water and gave our generation amazing teeth. Today the thought that others can put things in the water without my knowledge, scares me.

I no longer believe in drinking water from a tap, pipes below ground where once the modernizing revolution of a new era, today it disgusts me to think about drinking tap water from pipes laying below ground for 20 or 30 years that can not be accessed or cleaned or checked for whatever else is down there. I barely enjoy showering in water from taps with water from underground, I much prefer tanks from rain water. We are worried about food contamination in an era when most people are well informed about hand washing and food handling, yet we considering drinking water from whence it comes we have no idea. I like to see my water in a brand name container and not in a four gallon tub filled from the back of a dirty truck in the middle of the street.

The United Nations; I no longer believe in the United Nations….a group of overpaid beaurocrats who stand by and watch millions killed and the only thing they do is to impose sanctions ( oh my goodness another sanction) against the governments who are killing their own people… Waste of money at the highest level. Use the money for mercenaries. I say.

Voting System…Pretty much up their with Big Government but the votes of numerous countries have proven what we all thought for many years, that it is rigged. Even if it’s not, is it worth the while. The American presidential candidates spend billions of  dollars of campaign funding to get elected, for what, to end up being led themselves by the party hard liners behind the scene. Let the fictional do-gooders elect who they want to lead, none of us really care any more anyway. Use the billions spent on marketing the candidates to us, for real things like infrastructure, medical and educational services or just give us good roads on which to drive and the basic necessities and stop taxing us to death and we’ll be fine. Government is like any big business these days, worried about themselves and not the customers.

The Weather Forecast… Like going to the astrologer , palm reader, crystal ball see-er or reading Nostrodamus and buying lottery tickets based upon any of their findings, the weather forecast is about as reliable as well.. the weather forecast.

Unless the weather man is telling you in real time what is happening outside the window in which he is standing in front of, you be assured he is going to get it wrong or only partially correct. If weather were predictable , if storms could be foretold the planet would be a much safer place, but sadly the information never gets to millions of us until it is too late. Give the weather forecast funding to those who seek Extra Terrestrials in outer space, I think there is a far greater chance of finding the truth out there than here on earth. Mother Nature is a woman of unpredictable tolerances and rage and is not letting the Weatherman know her secrets for a long time yet.

Churches…. Don’t confuse the word church with religion. I believe everyone has the right to pray and believe in what ever it is they desire. We all need to have faith in something after all in hard times. But faith is within us, not only within the towers of expensive real estate we call cathedrals.

What I no longer believe is that a church is required for it. Sure keep a few, but is the goal of a church not merely to give faith, hope and to console, to distribute food, care, faith and finances to the needy. Then in this case why do we need so many churches of any faith in which to do it.  In medieval times and before that we had no manner of transportation, and so one church was required to be in every village or town and city. Today we can travel if we must visit a church. Would it not be wiser to sell the majority of the churches which in most cases reside on prime real estate and distribute the wealth to the those who are homeless, penniless and truly of need. I see many churches empty except for a Sunday , is this realization then of a resource being put to best use on prime realty territory !! Today we have cars, trains, buses, car pooling, one church per 2-3 million people is enough and if they truly believe the words they are speaking then surely a covered car park, a tin shed or a basketball court would suffice. God does not judge us by where we pray to him, the importance is just that we do ! I have travelled the poorer areas of Philippines, Thailand, Cambodia, South America and other poorer countries and I see the faithful praying in the open air, under canvas shelters, in rooms supported by timber and corrugated iron. Does the faith and prays of these folk,  have lesser weight because of where they pray and in which ramshackle building they show their faith ! I think not. They still believe in the religion even though the church has not found it good enough to build them a cathedral wrought with marble and other beauty in which to pray. It is us who need to have faith 24 hours a day and seven days a week, 365 days a year, not only when and while we are on hallowed turf. Faith is within us as individuals, not only present in the cathedrals of cash that dot the thousands of cities of this planet, while the homeless sleep on the warm air vents outside them try to stay warm and begging for scraps.

The Justice System

Innocent until proven guilty unless of course you are tried in the public court or tried by media in which case you don’t stand a chance. Of course as much as you might be innocent and yet still proven guilty by the media or public vote you can also be guilty these days and get off completely free depending on how much money you have and can pay for the right representation. If you are a little man fighting a big company in the legal system forget it. Loopholes, court dates moving and trickery will have you bound up for years until you go broke and you wont even appear as a blot on the financial sheets of the company that wronged you. No my friends the Justice system is most definitely “blind” but those scales of justice are tipped in the direction against you…unless you are rich or powerful.

Equity.. Is there fairness in the world or are we just all too jealous and greedy to see true equity in the things of others. Is equity only in the thoughts of dreamers?

A cup made from a potter, his masterpiece, something he has labored over for countless hours or days, a magnificent production by a time honored craftsman. But does anyone pay for that anymore. The labor of love, devotion and craftsmanship or have we been so beaten down with junk from china and third world countries that we fail to see the intrinsic value in such items any longer, too savvy to pay the real value, just wanting the next bargain?

People might hope for Equity but are we honest enough any more to give it.

In relationships too, every so often feelings fade, a mere “I love you too”, just does not suffice any longer for one who’s heart believes they have given more to the relationship than to be replied to by a throw away line.

If you give 100%, someone always wants 110%, and a heart break is soon to follow.

Is it greed or is it that social networks, internet and globalization has made everything so close at hand, that more caring person across the miles seem closer than they truly are, that if we aren’t happy , then people seem as disposable as a razor. Once was a case people married for life. Once was, marriage certificates and marriage vows actually meant something. Today fariness and equality inside a relationship is a daily struggle to maintain and someone always feels they suffer on behalf of the other to get it.

The Words “Trust Me…..At face value I doubt these words if they are even spoken. To me they seem to be the warning signal that someone is truly NOT trustworthy. A trustworthy person is trustworthy by their actions, they don’t need to tell you so. They answer the phone, they call you back if and when they say they will, they reply to text messages and they are on time to meetings and functions, they are where they say they will be on time and perhaps earlier. A trust worthy person makes an effort for others, wary that others time and life is just as valued as his/her own. A conversation is exactly that, a conversing of facts and  things that happened, not a fictional apparition which occurred only in the mind of the speaker and with which facts do not check out.

Trust is a value I respect highly, the truth may hurt, but there are no doubts remaining after ward if everything is based upon hard factual truth….Trust Me !

Cynic in life perhaps, but I just think some things have outlived their believability within my lifetimes. WC Fields perhaps put it best…”You have to believe in something, so I believe I”ll have another drink !”

Some things , therefore are believable !

Two words rarely spoken - "MY FATHER"

I don’t write often about my father.

Millions of words written and yet so few of the man who made me what I am today. 

Unfair , perhaps.
Sometimes it makes me sad, other times I realize there just is not that much to say.

He was a deep, silent complex man.

Typical really of his era.

The men don’t cry type. 

Ask him how his day was, he’d say “fine” and wander off.

Ask him what happened at work and the answer was always, “nothing”.

He worked hard, and my sister and I needed for nothing, so I’m not about to slam the man.

Truth is he and my mother both suffered terrible childhoods. 

Both were abused physically and mentally and both were not raised by their own parents due to the times, the era , deaths or separations and the stigma in those days surrounding children without parentage was not a kind one.

That they grew up wanting to have children , did,  and raised us,  is testimony to them both.

For many years now I’ve actually tried to understand my father.

To forgive him his negligence of love and sympathies and to forgive me my disrespect of not understanding what made him the man he became.

Of those things I remember the most are these.

He was fixated on the Second World War, Vietnam and Korean wars. It was like he wished he’d fought in them, just a year or two shy of being able to, he never made it past the Reservist Army.

He loved the movie Apocolypse Now. He loved hard cover books and especially first editions and I don’t think I ever saw him cry. Not one tear.

He retired at 40. He had worked hard for 25 years at that stage.  Within a decade he attempted suicide and following that decades of psychosis, mental anguish and truly troubled times lay ahead.

When he was just my dad and before all his troubles, he lost him self within books, he wrote like the wind  and was a perfectionist in everything he did. Doctors say it was this self-imposed stress that made him so troubled later on.

For many years I tried to tell myself I would never be the man he was.

He never showed love or gave hugs, so I loved and hugged everyone.

He read books, so I refused to.

I worried that it was what lead to his troubled mind, and so for decades I never touched a book .

He wrote, I refused.

He was the quiet silent type who found no fun in anything, I became loud, riotous and laughed always making light of everything.

He married , I did not.

I tried so hard to not be him and all I ended up doing was missing out on so much.

I wish daily now that I had married; someone, anyone, I really want children but find at 43 I’m alone, fearful of being him so much that I am now worse off for it.

But the light of my plight truly dawned upon me a few days back in Mall whilst shopping for a gift for a special friend.

I found myself in a bookstore looking at all the titles and feeling in awe of the opportunities, the stories in which to get lost and to imagine other worlds and adventures. It was a candy store for the brain. I bought my friend two books and could have emptied the shop had I had the time. I can’t wait to return and to buy a few more.

Was it this escapism my father adored so much of books. I feel it was.

And the similarities did not stop there. The love of books made me think.

Of writing, well, lets just say what lay within me for many years waiting to be let out, finally has. Today I write like the wind as he did. I use a laptop thankfully, he used pen and paper and I still remember the pages under which he wrote. His penmanship so hard and firm and tight that he left an imprint three pages deep of everything he hand wrote, but so too does mine.

You see what strikes me as funny is that I have spent 40 years trying not to be my father and yet still I have turned out very much in his shadow..

I still have a better sense of humor I think, but I’m a perfectionist and can’t stand things that are not right. I’d prefer to walk away than to suffer something not as it should be.

He wrote, I write.

Fifteen books and counting actually in addition to millions of words in blogs and magazines articles every year.

He read. I read today like there’s no tomorrow.

He was the silent type, I love nothing more than being by myself and just watching life go by.

I have worked so hard to try and understand the man all these years that I have in fact had quite the learning experience myself. I have watched Apocolypse Now on DVD almost fifty times. Ten of those in French. to find what it was he needed to see. I think i get it now.

I have read much and watched much on the Second World War and I have learnt to read and write for my own living.

In the end , by learning about my father, I have learnt to be a better person. A better educated one and a more tolerant human being, one that sees both sides to many issues and writes about them.

I am not the man he was, but extremely close in many ways.

These are different times and thanks to him and my mother I had a happy child hood, not perhaps with him, but because of him.

He may not have been the teacher of all my lessons but through him and because of him I have learnt much. It has taken forty years to understand much of that , but I am glad now that I have and do.

If I could change the world and shift time and space and right the wrongs done to others I would clear history’s record and give my father and mother enjoyable childhoods, much like mine and my sisters.

We knew nothing but love and happiness from people who knew neither.

If evolution of happiness is to continue and the world become a better place,  then it is I who must forward on this knowledge and gift it  to a son or daughter of my own so that they lead a better more fulfilled life, leaving their legacy to the next generation and so on.

Parenting can not be easy.

My father certainly seemed to make it very hard, but in the end despite his silence, his emotionless manner and his lack of hugs, his psychosis , paranoia and rage , he created a child who found the answer to everything needed in life to make it a success.

I have been blessed with lessons good and bad and those I’ve had to seek to find.

And for that my father must be thanked.

To my father ,who’s life was never easy; you did good Dad and I love you so much for it.

xx